Items From A Deceased Loved One's Home: Dealing With A Backlog Of Delayed Decisions
Delaying and putting off dealing with decisions can have a crippling effect. As unmade decisions pile up, they start to take over your mind and your space. Typically, the avoidance starts because of a strong emotion - usually sadness about a loss or fear of the unknown. After the avoidance has gone on for a while, guilt and shame get added to the list and dealing with the decisions seems impossible.
In this article series, I'll review the most commonly avoided items and ways to get started when you've been paralyzed by the thought of tackling the project.
When a loved one dies, it's easy to put things off that will bring up feelings of grief, sadness, and/or anger. There are generally things a person has to deal with, such as emptying out a home or living space, and in the throes of emotion many people delay making decisions and move everything to their home to be dealt with later. If this is something you did, don't beat yourself up about this perfectly understandable delay.
Now that some time has passed, you’re ready to start making decisions. Here are a few tips to get you through:
Give yourself permission to take your time. You may need to go through the items multiple times over the course of months. Think of it like peeling off layers and don’t feel that you have to do everything immediately.
Tackle the easy stuff first. If you have random stuff that has no sentimental meaning, let it go.
If items have been damaged while they were stored, be honest with yourself about whether you can or will clean and repair them. If the true answer is you can't or won't, forgive yourself for the guilt you will certainly feel, and let them go.
Your relative may have paid a lot of money for furniture, art, or decor, and the items may be generations old. If you would sell them for the "right price" but choose to keep them only when no one is willing to pay that price, they are not items you actually want. Let them go to donation where someone will be able to use and enjoy them.
Don't keep items that bring up negative emotions or remind you of unhappy times; that's not how you want to remember your loved one.
Let go of items that don't have any meaning to you. Just because it was important to your loved one, does not mean it has to be important to you. Of course, it's possible that they only kept the items because they were delaying making their own decisions!
Decide in advance what a reasonable amount of memorabilia will be and get a box to contain that amount. When you are making your decisions you'll be able to use that pre-determined limit to guide your choices.
Putting off making decisions is common and can be a natural consequence of grief or sadness, but not facing the things you are afraid of doesn't make them better or easier to deal with later. Be courageous: feel the fear and do it anyway! Don't let guilt and shame cause you to continue on a destructive path of avoidance. If you need support, contact a friend or professional (organizer and/or therapist) to help you get through the first steps.